I missed Wednesday’s post for a reason that now seems so silly. So. Silly.
Yesterday my boss uttered the words “we have to let you go.” I hope my face conveyed shock and disbelief but I fear it contorted into some awful half crying and half suffocating mess of flesh.
It hasn’t totally sunk in yet. I am aware of the color change. From bright and vibrant to dull and monochromatic. My GAD/Dep is awakened and on full alert. It ignores the promises of new opportunities and screams reminders that this is the third time. Third time. Change is never pleasant. But she treats it as an imminent source of danger and death.
Last night I dreamt of jumping from a cliff. I watched children and adults joyfully take that leap. I saw their happy endings. I saw them climb to do it again. But I clung to what I could, hyperventilated and cried out. I couldn’t. I never can.
You’ll have to forgive me for the last two days. I will put pen to paper and try to nudge the artist inside to wake and create. But I make no promises as life is fickle. And sometimes unfair.
Be well.
Miscellaneous Ramblings of a Thirty-Something DIYer 
jenniesisler
I am so sorry to hear this. I have been there before and I know how much it sucks. It’s hard to face the reality of these things, and I know there aren’t really any words I can say to make it easier to deal with. Just know you’re not alone. There are a lot of us out here who know exactly what you’re dealing with. Sending good vibes your way that this bump in the road is extremely temporary.
marfdrat
I had one of those moments years ago. It was painful and scary, and it just didn’t make any sense at the time. It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. It provided the avenue to do something I was really suited for. Keep that in mind. It looks bad now, but that awesome opportunity is just around the corner. Believe it.
Dienna
I’m sorry to hear the news. I know that it will be hard to get over the shock, but take it one step at a time. Take this time right now to clear your head. It may seem hard now, but things will get better. Stay strong.
rubyandwheaky
Have you thought about trying to sign up for Social Security Disability? It sounds like you truly struggle with a lot of issues. Also, have you tried Lyrica for GAD? Lyrica was approved for GAD in Europe but not the USA yet. You may have to find a forward thinking doctor to give it a whirl.
Heather
Like the other commenters here, I am sending you my best wishes and urging you to take things one step at a time. When things start to look scary in my life, I know it helps if I just take a step back and focus not on the scary big picture, but on the small things that I can do something about. And do try to continue to create art, even if it just a little bit every day. If you choose not to post your art online, that is okay, but I know that, for me, even just doing some of the simplest doodles or gluing some scraps of paper in a notebook has been a help in getting through the hardest times of my life. And things will get better – just keep going, step by step.