I missed Wednesday’s post for a reason that now seems so silly. So. Silly.
Yesterday my boss uttered the words “we have to let you go.” I hope my face conveyed shock and disbelief but I fear it contorted into some awful half crying and half suffocating mess of flesh.
It hasn’t totally sunk in yet. I am aware of the color change. From bright and vibrant to dull and monochromatic. My GAD/Dep is awakened and on full alert. It ignores the promises of new opportunities and screams reminders that this is the third time. Third time. Change is never pleasant. But she treats it as an imminent source of danger and death.
Last night I dreamt of jumping from a cliff. I watched children and adults joyfully take that leap. I saw their happy endings. I saw them climb to do it again. But I clung to what I could, hyperventilated and cried out. I couldn’t. I never can.
You’ll have to forgive me for the last two days. I will put pen to paper and try to nudge the artist inside to wake and create. But I make no promises as life is fickle. And sometimes unfair.