I spent the morning battling a list of things I wanted to get done and the evils of “on hold” stasis. Just getting through all the calls was exhausting. Nothing can be simple or easy. But I did it. I gave myself permission to breathe and take a break this afternoon.
Yesterday I found out that the pain in my bad leg is tendinitis. I need to take it easy. Honestly I would rather walk. I want to walk Iggy until he gets tired. I cannot remember the last time that happened. I was just starting to feel like I was controlling my days, not the crankle and then this new pain started.
But I will keep pushing forward. Even if I have to physically rest more, I can put pen to paper. I doodled these earlier today. They are fun and magical, no?
I want to find myself and hold on through the rough days. I hear “opportunities” and the “one door closes and another opens.” I believe them. Unfortunately there is part of me that brings the dark cloud to hover over me every day and if I’m not careful it stays.
Time for me to rest. I need to give myself credit for everything I have done. I need to be proud of myself.
Be well. ♥
I missed Wednesday’s post for a reason that now seems so silly. So. Silly.
Yesterday my boss uttered the words “we have to let you go.” I hope my face conveyed shock and disbelief but I fear it contorted into some awful half crying and half suffocating mess of flesh.
It hasn’t totally sunk in yet. I am aware of the color change. From bright and vibrant to dull and monochromatic. My GAD/Dep is awakened and on full alert. It ignores the promises of new opportunities and screams reminders that this is the third time. Third time. Change is never pleasant. But she treats it as an imminent source of danger and death.
Last night I dreamt of jumping from a cliff. I watched children and adults joyfully take that leap. I saw their happy endings. I saw them climb to do it again. But I clung to what I could, hyperventilated and cried out. I couldn’t. I never can.
You’ll have to forgive me for the last two days. I will put pen to paper and try to nudge the artist inside to wake and create. But I make no promises as life is fickle. And sometimes unfair.
I used my ultra fine Sharpie markers tonight. These are the 80s Glam colors along with a really old black one I found in a box of goodies. You have to appreciate long lasting office supplies. This marker is at least 12 years old. It even has the metal pocket clip. Old school salute.